If it was not for the incredible healing powers of cheese I would not even know where to start but from its healing rays I can form my sentences.

1. The cheese brings you closer to God. Fuck you Nietzsche, God is not dead, she (Abraham was wrong) is alive and well living in the ironically-called, Milky Way galaxy. You might say “while that is close to us, where is she?” Well not in our solar system dip-shit. But eating too much cheese will bring you closer to God. FACTS.

2. Cheese will ensure you live for ever with no side eects what so ever and thats for sure. Cheese is proven to lower cholesterol, blood pressure, AND DEATH. It will help open the third eye as well, many people can only begin that process with Gruyere funny enough, what does that say about the Swiss then?? Alot or a little, as a primarly German speaking people that are apposed to the concept and true understanding of the third eye. Silly Germans, go back to Germanistan.

3. Well known world conqueror only ate cheese, Marcus Aurelius, he was mainly known for his “meditations” but if you read only every second line then its a manifesto for conquering the known world*. Cheese will ensure you are remembered and beloved by history as its the only way forward!

A Sasquatch is well known for his cheese consumption. It’s how giants like him keep their size and structure. It helps with bone density especially when older and when its above one year in age it’s the one of the only accessible forms to receive K2 vitamin.

ε.Greek Philosophers knew of the power of cheese “I’m Greek, my body produces Feta” Zach Galifanakis said in 457 BC. And from this darling quote we develop the West’s love of cheese. I leave you with these my dear readers.

How can this ultimate source of power and love and carmel desire and car salesmanship and fantasy and horror and piano be any of the worlds or even your intestines bane! It cannot and therefor we will stand for it at the cheese labs where all of this research was done and is done. Be well and eat cheese Dr. So and So signing off. Lover and believer in the Cheese Truth Dr. C. H. S. >>> Earl of Shropshire (Disputed)

* Note to Readers: The known world included only Northern Italy, small parts of what is know known as Britain and Zimbabwae.