I don’t know how the young, soft cheeses do it, but let me tell you, it’s not any easier out there for a mature cheddar. You may think my feisty zing and crystal crunch would make me a catch, but it seems like I can’t get a bite.

Naturally I thought that trying to date within my wheelhouse of well-turned
tommes would nd a better match, but you know what they say, ‘the older the cheese the thicker the rind’. Just as set in their ways and loaded with Tyrosine baggage, most are nearly impossible to crack.

So feeling brave, I tried dating some younger cheeses. (nothing weird – I’m not into crème fraîche or anything). I don’t want to generalize, but I’m going to.
First, a nice looking Burrata agreed to an afternoon drink al Fresco. Lovely, some fresh air and perspective. I guess he wasn’t actually into fresh air because he came in a custom sealed container in his own brine and said I
couldn’t open it.

He was terried of being pierced or damaged. After some convo, he really seemed
like he was waiting for his perfect tomato to come along. I think he just wanted to get out of the house. At least he picked a good wine, so not a total waste of time.
Perhaps a nice creamy blue, I thought.

Never dated a blue before. I thought we might have something in common since neither of us are for the faint of heart. I might have been onto something, but she was completely o the rails. She was super demanding, took over everything and there
was nothing she wouldn’t try. I mean, salads, burgers, pears, steaks… you name it.

Nothing was off the menu. That’s how she got her kicks. (I think she might have been into spreading and that’s not for me). It was the most exhausting two weeks of my life.

Ugh, the bries. they ALL think they’re God’s gift to the world. Impressive AOP
lineages, denitely the yacht club set, kind of classy, but ultimately quite snobby. Every damn time. For being so short and squat in general they still manage to look down on you. I guess that’s impressive. Even if you find one who’s into bigger ladies, good luck because Chateaux and Delice (the Bourgogne sisters) pretty much have that scene on lock down. Skanky. And OMG, the night I went with my friend to CHURN nightclub…’It’ll be fun’ she said.

“Try something new” she said. Let me save you the trouble. e whole place was almost all butters and everyone was sweating some kind of culture. e humidity and the smell of sea salt was arresting. And butters apparently date bread – almost exclusively. So if you’re a day-old baguette I highly recommend hitting this club.

I just don’t know. Back to the drawing board? Spend ages trying to break into a Beemster 26, or investing my time and theeffort into an impregnable Parm? Most of the more aged cheeses have been around the block and are ready to retire. Any of the nice Swiss cheeses are usually taken, the Pyrenese kind of keep to themselves… I’m just at a loss here.

Seriously. I’m tired of my one night stands with apple pie or having to do another damn “homemade baked mac’n’cheese”. I’ll even do a blind taste test. Anyone know a good Anier that could point me in the right direction?

Not ready to give up on love, Crystalline, Mature Cheddar